Not all wounds (and illnesses) are visible
I’m not too sure if this will be a happy post if or anything positive comes of it, but I feel like typing out everything I have been feeling lately will take some of the weight off and I will hopefully feel lighter.
Lately I have been struggling a lot in myself. I’ve felt very insecure, down, anxious and second guessing myself and my decisions constantly. I have also been finding It difficult to open up to people about how I am feeling because I get anxious that I am burdening people, or that they won’t understand and will think I am completely mad.
I have met a lot of new people lately, at work, at events and when they find out that I have MS they do ask me questions about it, or they tell me how strong I am and honestly, I still don’t feel like I know enough about it to fully explain what is happening to me and sometimes, I don’t want to be told that I am strong. Of course, I have started writing about it so that hopefully other people can learn about it, but mostly me too as I am experiencing new symptoms, new feelings each day and it is quite scary.
The main symptom I have been struggling with the most lately is the fatigue; I tell people that I am tired and obviously they reply with the usual “take it easy,” or “get some rest.” But how do you explain to someone that you are tired to the point of not seeing any reason of getting out of bed in the morning, because you know you will be exhausted within a few minutes of starting your day? How do you explain that you look in the mirror each day, are aware that your body needs exercise, but you are too exhausted to even move? It feels as if my body can’t get enough rest, some days every move I make is such an effort, I just want to crawl back into back and wait until things get better. I know that this is affecting me mentally and physically, I can see how it is affecting me, but it feels like I am quite powerless up against it.
I have also been experiencing a lot of pain in my body lately and that has been another thing I do struggle to talk to people about and really go into detail because it is so hard to explain, to make people see that you are really in pain, when you look fine on the outside. So, I make jokes, I try to laugh about it and play it off as if it isn’t a big deal, because I don’t want to make people feel like I am trying to gain sympathy, or for anyone to feel like I am moaning. I know all my friends reading this will know exactly what I am talking about; I do have quite a dark sense of humour and do crack a lot of jokes about myself and the stuff I have been through and sometimes it is funny, but sometimes it really isn’t, and it is probably a cry for help that even I haven’t noticed. I suppose for a lot of years I wasn’t good with opening up and talking about my feelings, so I shut myself off for a bit, but I have improved so much and am still improving with it each day, even now as I am typing this.
At the minute, I can see my friends and my family doing amazing things and I am so happy for them and will always wish them the best, and I think that is why I struggle to open up – because I don’t want to put my problems anywhere near them. Don’t get me wrong, most of the time I am there to enjoy things with them and have the best time, but there is always that little voice in the back of my head lately, or the fatigue and the aches and pains that kind of snap me back to reality and makes things harder to enjoy.
Another thing I am struggling with at the moment is with how I look and it is just an awful feeling, to feel like you are not good enough even though no one has ever told you that. It’s hard looking in the mirror and not recognising yourself anymore, even though in other people’s eyes, you have barely changed. I love the sunshine and the weather has been great lately, but it has terrified me baring more skin when I just don’t feel that confident anymore. I went for a lovely barbecue the other week and it was wonderful, we all had such a good time and I enjoyed it for the most part. But I was so scared the whole time of feeling like people were going to be looking at me, at my wobbly bits, at the cellulite and stretch marks covering my legs and belly. It is so hard not to compare yourself to the picture-perfect people you see on social media; all done up, everything about them looking polished and no flaws to be seen. Of course we all know that it isn’t real, but it doesn’t make it any less depressing looking in the mirror and seeing nothing but flaws and the things you would love to change about yourself. Maybe one day I will learn to love myself how I am and look back at this post and smile at how foolish I was not to accept myself when there was nothing wrong with me in the first place.
Anyway, I feel like this is as much as I can get off my chest for today and as well as myself, I want to remind people that it is okay to feel a little lost sometimes in your own head and thoughts – and I will be trying my hardest to make it a nice place to be.